| Fakers DIE!! |
[20 Apr 2006|11:40pm] |
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mood |
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Taking Back Sunday-"Make Damn Sure" |
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I'm sick of this girl whos been faking me for the pass 3 years
-.-
thats why most of my lj entries are now friends only or i've changed them to friends only
i didn't change most of old entries cause thats the past and I can give two shits but everything of last year and this year is pretty much on friends only
I don't understand why must people fucking fake its fucking annoying
ps-delete your myspace account "Mary Terror" just cause myspace lets you use the same name as me doesn't mean ppl should believe that the signs you steal from my myspace...
suck it bitch
<3,
the real mary terror
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| SAD |
[20 Dec 2003|01:25pm] |
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 sad |
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music |
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Boys Night Out |
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I'm getting really upset about everything lately ugh I hate it too.I'm trying to keep my mind off things that stress me so that why I do things like homework and pratcing my math but it hit me that school is one of the major things that stressing me out.I could have been done with school like next year but not I fucked up and that pissing me off so I'm working extra hard now and where does that land me HONORS honors class which only means more work for me which only means more stress for me but you know what I'm gonna take the honors class I mean I use to be in honor classes all my life until I went to 9th grade.So if I could have done it back then I probably can now just for the fact that its highschool not ps or junoir high haha I'll manage some how tho...I mean my math teacher believes in me that much that hes gonna put me in a higher math level then probably I can do it I'm just scared cause I suck at math this is my only time I'm actually that ONE smart kid in the math class thats always rasing her hand and it scares me maybe I'm not ready for the next level but I'm gonna try I'll just try and if I fail then it wouldn't be nothing new to me.My global teacher also believes in me that much that he asked if he could put me in honors classes if he believes in me that much then I possiable than do it I dunno its just scary thought i know its lame to get stress over people thinking your smart but they want so much from you then and I'm scared I wont be able to give them ALL they want...I'm also stressing over Phillip hes getting sick too much and it scares me what if he gets something major or deadly it really scares me I dont ever want to loose him and its scaring me so much that sometimes I don't want to talk to him cause I'm scared of what he might say...I mean I wait all day until he comes online and then when I see him on I"m just scared scared of whatever he might tell me...I just wish he got better even if its just the flu or a cold I'm scared i love him so much and I lost so many people already I don't think I can handle loosing him...I guess every girl says that about their boyfriend but its different from me I dunno how to explain it but it is.And then I'm getting all sad over my sister going to college in 6 months and her telling me I should spend time with her more I know I should but I don't want to because then its a offical that I'm spending time with her cause she wont be here anymore and that kills me cause I love her so much and I'll miss her so much so I keep pushing her away and the thought of her leaving cause I know I wont have that someone to cry to or just to listen to me be stupid and laugh with about anything or someone to help me thru my tuff times when theres no one else or even to fight with I'll be so lonely and maybe its selfish of me but I don't want it to happen I want her to get into a school in NYC so she can still live here and be with me...i know I suck...i'm just sick of loosing everyone and having everyone leave me...
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| And when my hearts starts to forget you getting beating your name again... |
[19 Dec 2003|06:10pm] |
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mood |
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haha I'm so lame my title for this entry is from one of a song of melissa's and my band.(Arsenic Scream)Anyways talking about my band go vist the site:
www.freewebs.com/arsenicscreams anyways moving on yeah that lyric in my title is a song I wrote for frank eh speaking about him I got an email from him today:
From: "**thE LoST*" animal_*******_arsenic@hotmail.com>
To: theusedupsharpie@yahoo.com
Subject: RE:
Date: Fri, 19 Dec 2003 04:06:57 -0600
send me your number i miss you and ill call you
promise. :)
love you mary
xoxox
erm I hate when I finally start getting over him hes back and the thing is I'm happy he is...Anyways moving on I didn't get to write in my journal yesterday cause school I'm getting alot of global and math homework now and its only ME from the class I guess since I'm being place in honors for both classes and they want to know if I can handle it..erm and to top it off I had a french report to do it sucked so bad...anyways yesterday at school in gym this girl pissed me off we were playing basketball and she fucking put her nail in my neck and I started to bleed I was about to fucking punch her but my teacher pulled me away...today was alright I'm bored and have nothing really to write so laters...
p.s. sorry I haven't been leaving comments on your journal I will soon I promise!
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| Big entry with meaningful shit I guess... |
[18 Dec 2003|12:08am] |
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mood |
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cranky |
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music |
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Evhoria |
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Okay the poem below is what I written for poerty club at school I'm not sure if Mrs.M will let me read it tho and pretty much scared to read it to her as well she might think I need to go back to the ward (even tho I want to)...
"And as she held the razor blade across her wrist she saw happiness marked in red.All she wanted was for this nightmare to end.Everything good always goes away in the end.Her friends her family her meaning of life.All down in the drains along with her tears that never seem to end.She's giving up hope she giving up lies shes so sick of this thing called life.Friends shouldn't lie family shouldn't make you cry and both making you feel like your alone to die...so sick of herself and what she let herself become she slashs across her chest and pulls out her heart...heartless she lies on the cold floor blood puddle around her face as she cries this is what her life feel like...
Anyways moving along from my sucking poems...I got some good news today...And good news is always grand and hardly ever comes in my life...Well I was in math class and before the class ended Mr.Sitez stood in front of my desk and told me he saw my new program card for next sem. and that I'm being placed up in math and that its ONE class now so WOOHOO no double math yippie lol so hopefully this means I get science not that I want to be I need to credit so yup hopefully this is good and oddly enough I really want to start the new sem already just don't want a new math teacher =\ lol... Alyeen has been asbent this pass 3 days and I'm starting to worrie about her shes like my only really good girlfriend in that school besides alice but alice still finds somethings weird about me and doesn't understand why I ever tried to kill myself but shes doing a great job as at least listening to me and trying to help me she as what she calls "the better things in life" other than that I'm going to see a old friend Cicso on saturday I use to go school with him in LIC haha hes band is playing a Red Zone and he wants me to go so hey anything for a friend and no matter if they suck or not I'm gonna be supporting them...GO BFH!!! haha yeah I just to lazy to write his bands name...talking about supporting friends bands saturday was a good day.I went to upstate new york with my family to go shopping I got a winter jacket erm its ghetto but hey my mom was yelling at me lol and its actually warm! lol I usally only wear tons of hoodies during the winter which is probably why I always get sick for the next couple of months or something lol...after that went to my sister's friend's band street team meeting which means hey now I'm in the street team... lol... their name is Evhoria their actually really good so check them out if you want to Evhoria.com it was nice a private show and talking about what would make the band more successful good times good times...Nothing really much else to talk about Phillip and I are doing much better lately which is always good i love him dearly and I was getting sick of all the fights we were going thu but thank god it has stopped lately...hmmm today after school I hung out with some people for awhile and then I went to crowdley park by myself I love it when it rains and no one goes to that park its just amazing I like walking in the rain and thinking and what not so I went to the park and just went on the swings thinking about life and what not it was nice i liked it besides the fact that I got soaking wet it was good...As I was leaving I saw my sister so we walked together...thats all that really happened...I also saw my old bestfriend from 8th grade Stephanie she was with her boyfriend i just found it so odd that I never wanted to let her go but when I did it didn't hurt...and the odd thing is now that I'm guessing all my other friends are letting me go it hurts I don't want to let them go...i suck...erm I have a headache now too so laters...
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| To Sum Everything Up |
[10 Dec 2003|10:57pm] |
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mood |
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crappy |
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I finally came to realize...
I finally came to realize that I'm scared of dying...
NOT DYING but what will happen after I'm dead...
what would people know me as...
would people even remember me...
if the people who claim to love me still feel it...
Will my mom ache in pain...
If she did I don't think I could handle myself and would wanna die over and over again...
If I actually made something of myself before I died...
I have a serious problem...
I like how I feel when sharp objects touch my skin...
But I'm sick of hurting everyone...
so i quit cutting myself...
but with all this stress from school and family and just life...
the urge is so high...
I'm being put into Global Honors and probably Math Honors in which I have to maintain at least a 85 or 90 but of course since my parents knows I have to maintian a 90...
I'm happy that I'm doing good...
But I hate school with a passion and just want to get my G.E.D and go to college already i might...
I'm so scared I don't think me and phillip are gonna last which hurt me alot...
with all this stress my body aches
I deal with neck pains everyday now...
I'm sick of crying...
I'm not even sure I can hold on anymore
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| If you let me have my way I swear I'll tear you apart |
[27 Nov 2003|12:31am] |
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depressed |
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music |
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Brand New-"Me Vs. Maradona Vs. Elvis" |
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I hate this...When I finally think I can get over Frank everything just starts reminding me of him...And I'm tried of it I'm sick of crying over him and aching inside because I love him so much...I mean Phillip makes me soooo happy and when I'm with him I forget about Frank but then when its just me its like frank frank frank...and I'm sick...I'm sick of him haunting my minds and my heart...I just want him gone but no matter how much I try and everytime it seems like I forget him something or him has to come back...Alienne says its because me and him are meant to be together...I really don't know true love is fucking sick and hurts way to much...and I love Phillip way too much I don't think I could ever hurt him...Like today I was like SCORE THANKSGIVING TOMORROW FOOD! but then it popped I remember last thanks giving me and Frank weren't talking and I remember I woke up cause I got a email on my cell phone and it was him...he wrote "hey just wanted to say happy turkey day babe" god he always acts like he doesn't hurt me and I know for a fact he knows it cause he cried about it before I guess he just doesn't want to acknowledge it cause it hurts him? I have no clue...and today when I was waiting for alienne to come out of school I had my skateboard and I was sitting on it I remember in my old school I was doing the same thing sitting on my skateboard and then my cell rung and it was frank (this is when we were going out) and hes like I just missed you so much yada yada and it was hard to talk to him and keep talking to my friends so he was getting mad and then he got more mad at me cause Gianny kept calling me his baby and what not cause he didn't know it was my boyfriend on the phone and then frank wouldn't talk to me so I gave the phone to Jessicka and she talked to him then he talked to Michelle and said hi to all my friends...I really thought it was gonna last and it hurts that it didn't but then I wonder why I ever borther to wonder that when I am so happy with Phillip...I'm just so emonationally confused and what not...I miss frank so bad we haven't talked in awhile everyone tells me to call him but I don't know I'm sick of feeling like I'm the only one putting effort into whatever relationship we have...I really don't know anything I want to be with Phillip so bad I know that...but then when I think of Frank I also want to be with him and I remember all the stuff he'd do for me to make me feel oh so special and how he knew how I felt everyday without me telling him...and how he'd always call and talk for 7 hours or even more I just miss it so much I miss him singing to me I miss him calling me baby I miss him saying I love you and I miss him begging me to do something for him and I miss how he'd love talking to my mom and how it felt like he was already a part of my family like if I was married to him already and I miss his voice I miss I just miss him so much...and it hurts...I was reading over the songs he wrote me and it just killed me even more I mean thru it all you wouldn't even see the ending of that relationship coming...no one did not even him at least he said so...
*sighs* I better go cause well yeah I'm crying and no one is probably reading this laters...
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| -x- cutting off my air supply-x- |
[24 Nov 2003|12:29pm] |
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Well lately alot of shit has gone down.On Saturday morning way early in the morning phillip and I were on the phone having our normal daily talks and then he broke up wih me I was so fucking dead I couldn't stop crying or anything but we talked for like 2 more hours and we thought we'd give it another chance since we are so serious about each other.If this last chance doesn't work...I dont know what will happen I'm deeply in love with him.And I know hes in love with me distance is just tearing everything apart.And I guess its my fault that I can't be there since I want to finsh school.If I could I'd just go but I can't...So other than crying so much everything was pretty good.Things worked out with him.and that made me very happy.I hate feeling empty and lost cause for that time phillip and I broke up thats what I felt I never thought I'd cry so much over him.Its odd but last night conversation with phillip was grand we kept laughing and making fun of my sister.I love his and mines conversation they make me the happiest person on earth I could sit down and talk about random stuff for hours and he'd be right there on the other end cracking up and going along with it its just this great connection that I don't want to lose.Other than that I saw "Cat In The Hat" with my mom saturday afternoon "OH YEAH" ahaha and yesterday was alright stayed at home fixed my gc site and then had my conversation with phillip.Besides all that stuff I'm really stressing out about school report cards are on dec.10 and I think I did bad for 2 classes I know I can do way better which is why I have to start motiving myself I mean yeah its just two classes but thoses two classes can lower my average and that can't happen.God sometimes I wish I was that honor average girl again school was s easy back then why did I have to go and fuck it up? I could have been done by now...whatever I can't take back what I did in the past even tho sometimes I could...I've been stressing over way to many things I gotta stop its not good for me.Anyways sorry for not updating for awhile.But I will laters all I miss you all very much <3
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| Hold On IF you feel like letting go |
[13 Nov 2003|12:09am] |
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SEPTEMBER:
Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people's mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive.Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves sports, leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.
That is my month haha sadly half of it is wrong expect for Hardly shows emotions.Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, expecially in relationships. In case you want to see your month here I'll be nice and post it up...
JANUARY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very Stubborn and money cautious.
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FEBRUARY: Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but those not show it. Dislike unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.
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MARCH: Attractive personality.sexy. Affectionate.Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.
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APRIL: Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their luver can see.
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MAY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.
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JUNE: Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.
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JULY: Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.
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AUGUST: Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride of oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.
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OCTOBER: Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to takes things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.
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NOVEMBER: Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciates praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions. Unpredictable.
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DECEMBER: Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egoistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.
Anyways quick up date Melissa and I almost got arrested yesterday =( 75 dollar bail my parents had to pay reason you will never find out unless I told you...Other than that I tried a new make up thing...Since I always rock the pink....I am rocking the pink green and black now I usally just rock pink and black heres a new pikture
haha you know the funny part today billy was rocking the green its so grand...The new video made me fucking weep my eyes out I couldn't stop crying...I'm a fucking emo tard... I guess since joel always looked at amanda and me when he sung it probably cause we'd always be crying and plus I can relate to it sad thing is that half the poseur gc fans are gonna start pretending to be sucidial and then all of a sudden be like omg this song help me gag...but anyways Melissa is in the psycho ward
=( I've been trying to call her but no one is picking up I feel really sad I miss her god....I love my phillip so much haha wow I always say that laters all...
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| booya |
[29 Oct 2003|10:24pm] |
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i got my computer back yay =D
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| When masterbathing lost its fun your fucking crazy |
[27 Oct 2003|11:57am] |
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mood |
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angry |
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music |
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Greenday |
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Just so you all know my computer got a virus and is down for now I'm at the internet cafe sorry for not being able to talk to any of you online laters all <3
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| I knew from that moment on that I would love him till the day that I die |
[15 Sep 2003|09:36am] |
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mood |
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 loved |
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music |
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My Ruin-"Do you love me" |
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Re-Cap on my birthday it sucked it was depressing but I have the best boyfriend in the world who spent his whole day trying to make mines better I got a digital camera and I shall post up the new pics I took don't get happy cause I'm ugly
In other news phillip and I got in a fight last night and somehow got in a joking fight about who was more posuerish hahaha it was so fucking funny we were saying things that would make someone a posuer like he said "I'm so posuerish that I thought KoRn was spelled with a C" ahahaha I couldn't stop laughing he so fucking cute!
Me:Only posuers fall in love
Phillip:I guess I'm a posuer cause I fell in love with you since the first time I saw you
You know your in love when you can have a huge serious big fight then joke around about whos more posuer and at the end him saying "Are we cool" and you just smiling and saying "cool as ice"
::happy sighs::
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| If I could be your first real heart ache |
[13 Sep 2003|10:25pm] |
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my fucking boyfriend is amazing <33333333 I love phillip so fucking much he basically spent the whole day trying to make me feel better since he knows how depressing my birthday was i mean fuck I didn't do anything at all!! great fucking parents I have right ! gr
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| I thought you were the one |
[02 Sep 2003|12:06am] |
Phillip and I broke up yes that right we broke up....
30 min later or less
we got back together...<3333
but when I was fucking crying my eyes out I got a email from Joe from treephort telling me I was the nerdcore fan again and I was like FUCK YEAH and he was saying he was looking for me at the last show that I couldn't go to cause of the black out =( but hey look I posted my pic of what was on the site...
Love you lj friends and I love you phillip
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| I close my eyes when I get to sad I think of thoughts that I know are bad... |
[27 Aug 2003|08:32am] |
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 gloomy |
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music |
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Everclear-"wonderful" in my head |
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</center></b>
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Tick-Tock: 10:45am
music: Finch-"Letters To You"
Munchin on: haven't really ate anything for 3 days and if I do I end up throwing it up
Sippin up: Coke
Chit-Chat: the voice in my head
day dreaming: life
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These couple of days have been a rollercoaster of my emontions and you know what I'm sick of it its always me I'm sick of reading old entries and just reading nothing but depressing shit I mean what the fuck! god! *sighs* life hasn't been going good I can't hold down my food I end up throwing it up like last night my parents MADE me ate cause I didn't eat for like 3 days and when I took probably 3 bites I ended up running to the bathroom and throwing it all up *sighs* my mom is getting worried about me I'm starting to worrie about myself I get really depress quickly lately and it sucks so bad I could be happy one min then all of a sudden I'm crying...there hasn't been a day from saturday thru now that I haven't cried myself to sleep its fucking sad...And I'm starting to realy dislike all the stuff I really loved doing...and waking up in the morning I don't I just want to lie in bed and rot away...and you know what thats the signs of my depression getting worst before I couldn't tell but after the ward I know the signs of my depression and its really fucking getting to me I was getting better just to have a HUGE let down and go to the bottom again...I'm so sick of this...and then when I tried to have a serious talk with my mom she yells at me cause I said maybe it would be better if I was in the ward again I mean I could understand where she is coming from but seriously I'm doing it for my won fucking safety there are times I don't feel safe with myself and thats what scares me the most will i fucking ever feel safe with myself and it scares me so bad that maybe I can't have what I always wanted I can't have a husband nor can I have kids cause fuck I don't know if I can be safe with myself its like god why I'm sick of these disorders and feeling like I can't do shit I just want to be back when I was little I mean yeah sure I didn't have the perfect life back then either but at least my depression didn't haunt me 24 fucking 7 that the only worries and things that was tear-fuil was my barbies and ice cream...what the fuck ever happen to that what ever happen to me actually being able to smile and meaning it? I dunno maybe I just got really depress after my uncle got murder yeah I was liek what 7 and kept crying myself to sleep cause I couldn't be in his arms anymore I couldn't sit on his lap and I couldn't hear these words that always manage to make me smile "I love you baby" sure he wasn't my fucking father but it felt more like he cared then my own fucking dad and when I lost him I lost the thing that made me stable the most and sane but you know what I'm not blaming my whole depression on him cause thats not right cause it wasn't his fault if it was anyones fault it would be all the kids I had school with who always put my self-esteam down and maybe thats why in 3rd I began to think I was ugly and fat when I shouldn't be worrie about that at the young of a age I wasn't even FUCKING fat back then what was I thinking...and I'm sick and tired of everyone like all the doctors I go to blaming my depression on Frank cause I was long depress before him and yeah at times I do fucking wish I never met him cause he made my depression worst but you know what he was the only person who I believed every single word they said to me like when he'd call me beautiful I'd fucking believe it I was happy with him and yeah it was just a huge fall when we broke up cause it came out of nowhere but it wasn't becasue of him that I am fucking depress if anything I thank him for actually letting me know what happiness was for about a good 2 years of my life...I'm just so sick of this...I'm sorry about my ranting I understand and know probably none of you read it but hey what the fuck ever I'm out laters...
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P.S.-
I called frank last night he was too fucking high (due to spraying bug spray or at least thats what he says *bullshit) so we didn't have a serious talk we didn't even stay on the phone for a long time *Sighs* he wants me to call today I might most likely yes cause I'm a loser like that cause I fucking love him to death...*sighs*...
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| Sickkkkk |
[26 Aug 2003|10:56pm] |
I miss Miss Melissa... I really need to talk to her I don't know whats going on everything is going back to my "dark days" Im showing signs of depression like bad case I didn't know how to spot these signs out back then until I went to the psycho ward...I can't fucking eat and everytime I do I can't hold it down...my mom is starting to worrie about me and I'm starting to worrie about myself...I can't fucking sleep and if I do I just don't want to wake up anymore I just wanna lay in bed and rot away...I'm shaking I feel so empty I just don't really know what to do I told my mom I wanted to be back in the ward and she just yelled at me to never say that again...
xKuntxRagx: i hate myself
xKuntxRagx: I hate myself for saying I don't need this
xKuntxRagx: and then going back into it
xKuntxRagx: I hate myself for saying I hate him
xKuntxRagx: and not meaning it
PainIsPurity187: mary it isnt your fault its all something called love and it sucks
xKuntxRagx: I hate myself for letting him have control of me and my mental state
xKuntxRagx: I just hate this
PainIsPurity187: mary stop
PainIsPurity187: please mary
PainIsPurity187: dont do this to yourself
PainIsPurity187: i know you want to come out with everything but its just gonna kill you more to think about it
I'm fucking here crying and does frank care NO you know why cause I'm on his fucking block list...
I wrote this just now...
"Tears are rolling down my cheek my make up is messy my heart it empty and your there telling me you can't live without me I'm so sick of your lies your excuses your a pretty faces and your sweet lies are tricking me into believe that you do miss me you say you don't want to hurt me but heres some advice stab me in the front next time and don't ever fucking look back"
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| Peek Tures |
[24 Aug 2003|07:16pm] |
Sorry for my pictures being too dark couldn't put on the light too many people bitching...
( Read more... )
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deathstarpunx's journal
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